“it was saturday night and there was no escape”

but i was ok.  the pain in my heart.  the suffering in my soul born out of the suffering that i caused the one i love more than anything.  i was sober and alone.  it was saturday night.  yesterday good friday.  2mrw easter sunday.  though after listening to low dial christian radio stations when driving home from the desert last monday they mentioned that friday was probably not when jesus died.  it was probably a wednesday or a thursday.  the sacrificial lamb.  pontius pilate thumbs down.  kevin drew sings “you gotta feel it”.  and feel it i do.  it washes over me in waves of adulthood and contentedness.  like what you are doing now, it’s ok.  helpful.  healthful.  spiritual and authentic.  you are doing what you always wanted to do.  “i got my books and my poetry to protect me.”  david mamet and his juxtaposition of uninflected images.  aristotle and his plot.  kerouac and his sentimental and cold wet dreams of lowell.  neil stephnson and his hiro protagonist samurai sword chopping up the metaverse.  i take a sip of sierra nevada.  i take a sip of my afternoon iced latte.  the ice has melted.  i check my instagram feed.  she hasn’t followed me on there for months.  doesn’t like any of my pictures any more.  it bothers me when she likes other people’s pictures.  she used to talk shit about them.  but i am a sensitive and spoiled artist wishing i was holding her again.  oh what i wouldn’t give for a trip to target.  i used to get so impatient.  i used to get so annoyed.  now i got what i always wanted.  typing keys.  fresh farmers’s market salad.  potato skins in the oven.  kevin drew singing.  books to read.  out in the desert thousands are dancing half clothed and all fucked up on molly, booze and weed.  i take another sip of my sierra nevada out of a small glass.  it’s the last one left from my birthday party.  i am 35 years old.  i sit in my office chair with a t-shirt on and boxer shorts.  i check my phone often.  nobody texts.  nobody sends a gchat.  nobody sends a snapchat.  but i feel good.  deep down my soul is nourished.  i can feel myself feeling this moment honestly.  authentically.  i miss you.  i love you.  but i don’t mind being alone.

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